I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
This bar smells like my childhood.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Important
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium