I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.