I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits


Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.


So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”


You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.


Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.