I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I had to Stop for this
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.