I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair


Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.


I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.


Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job


[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months


30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.


me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.