ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.