I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Home #decor warning.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Mornin. * use accordingly