I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist