[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS