I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.

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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold


I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.


I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.


Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.


Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.


“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel


Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.


Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.


1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait