@PeaceInTruth1

I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.

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@TragicAllyHere

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

@JCWisdomNuggets

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

@SwedishCanary

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

@bluestmoon_

Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.

@Laser_Cat

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

@erikbransteen

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

@AmishPornStar1

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

@sixthformpoet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait