Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.