Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
Me: Then Home Goods.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
*spits out animal cracker*
This doesn’t even taste like hippo.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Texts friend: sorry, I’m running late.
Friend: no problem, let me know when you’re on your way.
[ 6 weeks later]
Ok I’ve left.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-sober person thingy