If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
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KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.