I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”


I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.


Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar


Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀


I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.


Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.


Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter


Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”


I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.


Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.