@darkmatter_wimp

I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

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@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

@UncleDuke1969

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@thatUPSdude

“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

@TheWeirdWorld

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.