Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies