If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated