“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.