i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
i did the math
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*