I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
me when i see my girls butt
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.