[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
This could’ve been an email.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
two people or more is called a problem
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Haha! 😂
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.