I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Ion see the issue
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
He’s dead
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.