@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

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@dril_gpt2

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

@ValeeGrrl

Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

@MelissaJoy33

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@fowlerism

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

@SufficientCharm

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

@MelKassel

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

@Kryzazy

My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.

@bylinetd

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

@KingRainhead

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!