I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
The two types of wives
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?