I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing


Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I’m comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*



Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.


“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending


DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly


ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions


The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.


SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom


My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.


There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.


boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!