I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now