Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
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[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Bike for sale
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3