@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

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@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@simoncholland

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@CheryeDavis

According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

@MaraWritesStuff

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

@shawnspree

Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.

@wendyraepearce

I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.

@notviking

the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care