I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.