“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The news
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.