I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.


I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-



When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth


Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.


I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.


[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.


If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.