@PrisonCookies

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

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@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”

@DaddyJew

Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain?

Me: why wouldn’t there be nachos in my shower drain?

@fuzzlime

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

@heatherlou_

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

@thatUPSdude

Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.

@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

@momjeansplease

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct