I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Life cycle of cat
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Bro what is this
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Spell check is for lasers.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive