I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

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*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”


Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain?

Me: why wouldn’t there be nachos in my shower drain?


I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas


My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.


Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.


You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.


You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom


customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct