@PrisonCookies

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

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@Alex_N_Chains

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

@YSylon

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

@drinksmcgee

I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.

@KrangTNelson

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@RdrJay47

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.