I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Self-cleaning conscience
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense