@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

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@TuSoonShakur

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@TheCiscoKidder

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

@Social_Mime

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

@peeznuts

Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.

@Playing_Dad

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

@solsayswhaaa

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

@joeljeffrey

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

@That_Damn_Duck

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.