I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.