I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

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“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom


Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.


After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently


I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.


Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle?

-No, go fish.


Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?


Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]


Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.