@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

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@RodLacroix

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

@jngraphs

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

@jonnysun

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@the_real_bnell

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

@KSekouM

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@realHamOnWry

Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?