News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.
I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.
Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?