I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Krampus.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii