I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Don’t we all.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up