Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
According to math, I’m broke
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami