@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

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@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@jacaristar

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

@david8hughes

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@RedRegenerated

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

@MikeOdenthal

Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.