I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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There is no rest from this pa rum pum pum pum
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.
I’m tired of being –
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.