I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*aggressively waits in line*
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.