@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

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@junejuly12

[alarm goes off]

me: *presses snooze button*

foot cramp: hahahahaha nope

@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

@robfromonline

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

@jensenmarie_

GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns

@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?