I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.