I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
You Might Also Like
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves