I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
You Might Also Like
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Mornin. * use accordingly
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?