I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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Why font matters.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no