I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.