I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck


I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!


To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.


Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’


[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?