@The_GetawayGirl

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

@withanewname

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@Jamie1947

[tv ad]
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?