@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

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@Sean_Burgundy_

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

@adamgreattweet

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

@racistduck

Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?

@TragicAllyHere

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@SortaSarcastic

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

@batkaren

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell