@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

- @Manda_like_wine

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@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

@KeetPotato

[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@LizHackett

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends