I'm only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

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