Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
and this one
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza