I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me My dog
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery