I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection