@nowarranty

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

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@ClichedOut

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@sofarrsogud

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

@PoshTick

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

@squirrel74wkgn

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

@SteveKoehler22

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY