I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.


[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.


*Open up, police!!*



*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*