My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Wait for it
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.