Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.
“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
You Might Also Like
Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*Open up, police!!*
“NO YOU’RE GONNA YELL AT ME.”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier