I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]


The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.


Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐


Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.


instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me


Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..



LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers


Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?



Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!