@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

@BatBatshitcrazy

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

@slimmy_shady

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

@FilthyRichmond

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

@jonnysun

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

@_Embo

Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..

@TheToddWilliams

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

@JediGigi

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!