I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

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1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him


I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.


“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill


A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:


[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”


My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.


8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I’m just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.