I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
#parenting
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.