I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.