I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me too
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.