I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT