I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?

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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food


An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.


Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars


Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?


And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.


If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this


4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history


My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up


Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.