Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“You’d better run, egg!”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.