Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Care for your back
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I hope Alan is OK
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.