Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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My kitchen overserved me.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”