People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.