I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family