my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You Might Also Like
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I’d get pulled over, but I’m kind of afraid to tell you. Let’s both say it on 1-2-3, ok?
“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing