@mortimermaiden

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

@Token_Geezer

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

@mrkoodge

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

@SadPeruna

Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I’d get pulled over, but I’m kind of afraid to tell you. Let’s both say it on 1-2-3, ok?

@Poutymcgee

“You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You’re an amazing singer!”

– Vodka

@HatfieldAnne

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing