I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go