I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?


I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.


Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.


Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.


Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”


Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What


It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.


Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.